kryptonite for both of them is a combination of Snyder’s

joshrichiiji 11

Those who complained about Thor’s left-field watery dip during last year’s Avengers: Age of Ultron will likely roll their eyes at the number of superfluous scenes that flutter around Snyder’s DC Comics Cinematic Universe Scrapbook. Should anyone be surprised? Probably not. The marketing behind this film has forever been transparent about how overloaded this story was always going to be. Unlike Marvel and Disney, DC and Warner Bros. refused to take things slow and opted instead to work off the big bang theory wherein a giant explosion of ideas will eventually spread out to create some sort of functioning universe. Did it work? It’s too early to tell, but things don’t bode too well if Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is any indication.

The problem isn’t Affleck, Cavill, or any of the actors. In fact, Affleck brilliantly captures the ethos and primal rage of Batman in a way that’s only been exhibited by Kevin Conroy in the Arkham games. This is a big ol’ grump who tortures his body in his own Batgym like a roided out Ryan Steven Lochte. He brands his prey. He stares at his costume like he wants to eat it. He’s visited by Freddy Krueger in his dreams. No, this is the Batman fans deserved. Cavill, on the other hand, continues to embellish the imperfections of the always-perfect Supes. He’s a far cry from the ray of sunshine that Christopher Reeve — or his many imitators, from Tom Welling to Brandon Routh — shed off, but he’s also stuck in a far more cynical world.

What proves to be kryptonite for both of them is a combination of Snyder’s senseless direction and the godawful, clumsy, and hellish script by Chris Terrio and David S. Goyer. Look, it’s not easy adapting Miller’s The Dark Knight Returns while also making a sequel to Man of Steel while also building towards the conceptualization of a Justice League while also maintaining a singular identity, but … well, that’s the whole problem now, isn’t it? Although David Brenner did his damndest to edit this doomsday of a cash grab together, the whole thing still ricochets around at the manic pace of a cocaine smuggler who’s been addicted to his supplier’s stuff for over a decade. Very rarely do scenes ever last more than a minute, which may cause drowsiness.

That’s not the only thing that’ll have you reaching for the doggie bag. The sound mixing alone will leave viewers in a daze like Roger Daltrey at the end of The Who’s Tommy. This thing is loud — from Hans Zimmer and Junkie XL’s punishing score to the brutal effects that zip back and forth — and since Snyder’s so obsessed with topping Roland Emmerich with regards to destroying the world time and time again, it’s also unnecessarily relentless. We get it, man: Superman is an out-of-this-world titan whose pummeling should cause a sonic boom, but even a drunk carny knows when it’s time to stop the ferris wheel. Once the film reaches maximum “v,” you’re all but a lifeless corpse, clinging to your eyes, your ears, and your sanity.

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3 comments
23 Mar 2016 TheBytemaster

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25 Mar 2016 joshrichiiji

Sorry, got a bit off track here. Batman has another dream, where Superman has become a fascist dictator with his own army of stormtroopers. Batman is a lone freedom fighter rebelling against Superman’s iron rule. At the end of the dream, Superman punches a hole in Batman’s chest. Batman wakes up and sees The Flash (not identified as such, I just know because I’m a nerd) inside a time vortex. Flash explains some important plot points for another movie, then disappears. Why is The Flash invading Batman’s dreams? Why did he travel back in time? He’s got to juggle a lot of balls and he only has one butler to handle all of his affairs. He’s not a huge note-taker and doesn’t maintain an iCal. Things slip through the cracks. That’s why he sent The Flash back in time in the first place, like a really elaborate Post-It note. Unfortunately, if Batman had never forgotten about his dream, he never would have sent back The Flash to remind him about the dream, which creates a major paradox, which I don’t want to get into right now.I haven’t even mentioned Wonder Woman, AKA Diana Prince, warrior princess of Themyscira. Wonder Woman periodically shows up at parties to annoy Bruce Wayne. She steals some computer files from Lex Luthor during a fundraiser for a library or something. Then, Bruce and Diana meet at a totally different party where they stare at a dagger in a glass case. You may have wondered whose party that was, why either of the characters were at that party, and what the point of the knife in the box was. Look, cool people get invited to parties all the time that you don’t know about. You should be used to this by now. Stop asking. It makes you look desperate.

Bruce Wayne opens up Lex Luthor’s computer files and discovers a photo of Wonder Woman from the first world war, plus some trailers for other Warner Bros movies. Luthor even designed logos for all of these movies in Adobe Illustrator. Why does Lex Luthor have four blatant bits of product placement on his computer? Because he’s been maintaining a secret double life as a film publicist. You thought running a multinational corporation while trying to murder an indestructible flying alien was hard? Try selling the Aquaman movie.

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